MOCKING BIRD

Azad’s mantra: The big fat late wedding

Manas Gupta
13 July 2009, 11:33 AM IST

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For all those young bachelors/bachelorettes who have mothers, aunties and chachis breathing down their necks over when to tie the knot, Union health minister Ghulam Nabi Azad’s proposal to reward people opting for late marriages must come as a breath of fresh air.

Azad’s ideas are hardly going to change the mind of the persistent, interfering aunty from the neighbourhood. “Arrey baba, who’ll marry you when you’re 30. You’ll lose all your hair.” Only in India can a complete stranger be so concerned about your matrimonial future and your receding hairline at the same time. But they mean well, even if they are calling you bald (see post Close Shave) to your face.

But seriously, this pressure to tie the knot is akin to sitting under an overweight elephant gorging on a pile of bananas. It’s like that ad with the dwarf dog. ‘Wherever you go, we follow.' Only replace that tiny pug with a gigantic pachyderm whose weight increases with every banana he consumes. This elephant will only step down when you complete the seventh phera or say ‘I do’ or ‘kabool hain’ or whatever you do or say to seal your fate. But beware! The elephant is often said to reappear after nine months with a list of embarrassing questions.

But isn’t there some sense in Azad’s suggestion? OK, I admit it’s not easy to convince a country where grooms as young as 10 are seen dancing in their own baraats in some states and the most popular TV programme is something called Balika Vadhu. But it’s worth a shot. Technically, when a girl is 16, it should be called semi-child marriage. Most girls at that age seem to be mature and worldly wise while the boys are only pretending to be men to impress their womenfolk. At 30 we will be slightly smarter, but maturity will probably only come after we cross 55. By then I guess, it’s too late for some.

There are bucketfuls of reasons to marry at 30 (as opposed to shiploads of reasons to not marry at all). When you marry at 30, you are smarter (not smart enough, you’re getting hitched after all). You may be financially better prepared to pay through your nose for your spouse’s shopping escapades. Most importantly, you’re not the cocky 18-year-old who doesn’t understand that wife is always right. Even an SC judge recently told a litigant to “obey your wife and rule the world”. “Bibi joh boltee hai woh suno (listen to whatever your wife says), we all listen,” Justice Katju had observed. I guess whoever said 'there’s justice in this world' was never married.

Coming back to Azad’s brainwave, his reason for advocating late marriages was to curb the exponential growth in population. I guess the minister feels couples will have lesser time (as in 10 years lesser) to come up with a cabinet-sized brood. Maybe at 30 there are not stupid enough to compete with the neighbour in spewing out a cricket team. Actually, considering that we’re competing with China in giving lecherous rabbits a run for their money, we should give Mr Azad’s ideas some serious thought. I propose the government start rewarding people who marry after 60 or not marry at all. There’s just one problem. A little birdie told me kids can be born out of wedlock too. Dang! Another theory out of the window.

In fact, an email forward informed me that “a recent survey done by marriage experts shows that the most common form of marriage proposal these days consists of the words: "YOU'RE WHAT?!?"

Disclaimer: Taking my articles seriously can be injurious to your sense of humour . Please note that this blog is only intended to lampoon people and events. Also, the views published here are entirely my own and not my employer’s.

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Alefiya says:

July 13,2009 at 12:18 PM IST

Mr.Manas,
I quite agree with you. Rewarding those who marry late is actually 'the best and only' way of curbing over-population. In India, where people come out from nowhere to start burning trains and effigies unaware of why they are doing it, is because they are paid for it. Money!!!! itz always 'paise fek,tamasha dekh' in our superb country. Therefore, the moral of the story, you pay them, they shall even agree to give away their lives! a bit more exaggerated? !!!!

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